Life Lessons with Dr Blowhole
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: "I dropped outta high school. My new professor is a fish..." "MAMMAL!" "Uh, okay, mammal... even though you live underwater..." "Yes, well, I HAVE a blowhole. You know, it's actually in my name?" "Right. So, um, as of now... my life's pretty screwed up."


**Disclaimer: I don't own the Penguins of Madagascar. Also, I'm not legally responsible for any psychological damage this may - and probably WILL - cause. Especially in future chapters.**

**Speaking of which, I'll be constantly accepting suggestions/ideas for future chapters. I definitely have a few adventures planned, but it's nice to have more ideas. :D Soooo, if you have an idea, send me a review or a PM!**

**Also, I looked it up: apparently, his FULL name is Dr. Kelno Frederick Blowhole. XD But I have been calling him "DR. BLOWHOLE... aka, Flippy the evil dolphin! MUAHAHAHA!"**

**Anyway, hope you guys like the first chapter!**

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><p>The human girl sitting in the chair before him slowly blew a bubble with her gum, and was even slower in popping it. Then she averted her eyes down, glancing at the thin brochure in her hand. Neither of them spoke for a minute, each a little confused about the other. Then she had the sheer audacity to speak up.<p>

"I don't think I've ever met anyone whose first name is _Kelno_." She sat back and tossed her hair. "I bet you got picked on a lot in school, huh?" She reached up and played with her hoop earring; honestly, it made him nervous, because those things were just about as big as that stupid Ring of Fire, and he was almost sure she had a lighter on her.

He scowled at her. "You know, you dullard human, if all you're going to do is _mock_ me, then perhaps you oughtn't even be here. The exit's that way, in case you can't _read_ the sign."

She crossed her legs. "You're mean. Who says I'd wanna work for you anyway?"

"Well, you're _here_, obviously, so you saw my flyer. _You_ tell _me_ why you're here. That's how it works."

"Yeah, well, I don't know if I wanna work for someone who's such a jerk. Oh, and who is a _dolphin_ riding a scooter." She glared at him from under her hair. "And aren't you supposed to be, you know, in water or something? You know, going all 'Eeeee-eeeee-ehhh-eeeeee-eh-eh-eh-eh!'?"

"Look, who says I would even _wa-a-a-ant_ you working for me? You're disrespectful! You aren't even five minutes into your interview, and I'm already ticked off. I must say, that's a record."

"Ah, I've impressed you then." She crossed her legs and peeked out at him again.

He raised a figurative eyebrow, and leaned back a little. "... Has anyone ever told you that you have _very_ intimidating bangs?"

She scoffed, but she was smiling now. "Ah, ah, flattery won't get you anywhere. But thanks, I've heard it a few times."

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "You've not impressed me much, human, in any case. I don't even know what your name is, and it's probably a very dull, uninteresting one."

She rolled her eyes right back at him. "My name's Santana. You know, like Carlos Santana? The famous guitar player? Not that you'd know him anyway - he's _human_, after all."

He sighed, leaning forward and flashing his red cybernetic eye at her. "Look, _Santana_... if you want me to seriously consider you, stop insulting me. I've taken enough crap from you humans already, I don't need any more of it, and perhaps this was a bad idea. Maybe you should just go home, and I should forget this. You're the only one who came anyway, so it was obviously not the smartest idea I've ever had."

"No, no... wait. Please." She leaned forward too, putting the pamphlet back on the desk. "I know, I know I'm being a bitch. I know. But this is the _last_ chance I have." She fell back into her chair, pushing her bangs back to reveal desperate blue eyes. "I don't have anywhere else to go."

He sighed, dropping most of his weight forward onto his flipper, supporting his cheek. He wasn't in the mood for sob stories, and especially not from a human. But, she was probably going to unload it all on him anyway. "I'm listening. Tell the good doctor all about it, _Santana_."

She shook her head, looking down and not once meeting his eyes. "There's not much. I dropped out of school last month, right before graduation. My mom called me a stupid slut, and kicked me out of the house. I was..." She pushed her bangs back again, as they'd fallen forward. "I was just hoping that maybe if I was a fraction smart enough, I could become your assistant and you'd, like, provide for me or something. I guess I'm really _not_ smart enough, huh? Probably why I got fired from my last job."

"And that was?" ... Alright, he was a _little_ intrigued by her now. After all, it sounded like she'd been beaten around for a while, just like he had. Only, it seemed like she didn't really want revenge on her mother, or the school. It looked like she was just trying to survive and suffer in silence.

"... I was a waitress at this strip club. But they made me dance sometimes. It kind of sucked. One time this guy in the crowd was drunk, and he reached up at me and tried to touch my ass, so, um... I kind of... kicked his teeth in... and told him off."

He snorted. "You know, the 'kicking his teeth in' part is likely the reason you were released from _that_. So, you didn't even _want_ to do the... dancing part? They forced you to?"

She nodded.

"_Humans_. You see, my dear, how horrible they are? They thrust things upon the unwilling."

She glanced up now, cocking an eyebrow. "Is that what happened to you?"

He scowled, glancing down at the papers on the desk. "There was this whole thing with the Ring of Fire at Coney Island-"

"I think I've been to that park. It sucks. I saw this trainer dude poking a seal with a stick and screaming 'Move'. Weirdest water park I've ever been to. Not that I've been to many-"

"You know, this brings up bad memories. Could we...?"

"Yeah." She waved her hand dismissively, as if she really didn't care, but he could tell she was curious. "Whatever." She crossed her arms, looking down and then quickly looking back up. "So, um... I'm a really hard worker. I swear, I just dropped out of school because of some bitches starting shit with me. I actually got over a hundred in chemistry 'cause I did a bunch of extra credit. The only things I sucked at were gym and English. I may not look like it, but I'm a klutz."

"What about the English class? Why didn't you do well there? You seem very..." He searched for the right word, tapping his free flipper on the desk. "Outspoken."

"Yeah, but for my reports I always read M-rated books that included a lot of swearing and a lot of killing. And for my essays and journals, I wrote about death. Particularly, stabbing some bitches in the hip and slashing their faces off."

He nodded, scooting back just a little. "I see. So... chemistry, hmm? You like science?"

"It's okay. I got a kick outta laughing at this one dumbass that almost blew up our science lab. And that other guy who 'accidentally' burned his partner with hydrochloric. I mean, any old idiot _knows_ that stuff is corrosive. That school's full of stupid people, in case I didn't make that clear."

"Yes, it's quite clear. You know what's also clear? That _you_ are not anything like them. You seem intelligent enough for the purposes you will serve." He slid the pamphlet back towards her. "Common sense. Moderate book smarts. I almost can't _belie-e-e-eve_ I'm saying this, but you don't completely disgust me."

"Uhh, thanks...? I think..." She took the brochure. "Does this mean I get the job?"

"_Ohhh_, I suppose so. You don't look like you'll screw much up, and if you do, it'll be something involving my henchmen. And in that case, go for it." He turned around in his Segway, and looked back at her. "You start tomorrow. Be here at seven A.M. Your first day will determine whether I actually let you stay. One more night out there, you can handle that, can't you?"

"I guess. I've been doing it for a month already, what's one more night?" Her boots echoed on the ground as she walked out of the lair.

He didn't turn around, of course, or try to go after her. But was that sorrow, real solemnity, in her last comment?

Hmm. Preparations needed to be made, if she was competent enough to do as she was told and be allowed into his sanctum.

After all... humans couldn't be fully trusted. None of them, not even that one who seemed so similar to him. He still couldn't trust her, ever.

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><p><strong>YAAAAAY! FLIPPY THE EVIL DOLPHIN!<strong>

**Ahem... well, uh, looks like I've humiliated myself enough for the moment. I'm going to go, erm... work on dolphin research? Yes.**

**ZOMG. Did you guys know there's such a thing as dolphin-assisted therapy? I was readin' about it on the net.**

**... When I can afford it, I'm taking a vacation to Florida and swimming with the dolphins and pretending they're Blowy! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!**

**Hope you liked! A review would be great, and thanks so much for reading! ^^**


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